What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
