i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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