Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
