I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
