the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
