At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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