Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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