New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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