I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I puked a lego.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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