I want to walk on stilts...naked
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
