Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
