i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
