the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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