I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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