I bet he comes in French.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
