see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
