I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize