You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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