Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
