Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
