this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
