Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
