Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
