im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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