she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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