i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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