We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
