you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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