its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
