we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
