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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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