Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is Oprah even human
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
