Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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