I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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