Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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