Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
