dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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