Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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