He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
