my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
