i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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