Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
