Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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