just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
