You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
