omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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