he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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