Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize