Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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