Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
