Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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