Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
being pregnant is like rehab
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
