when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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