but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So many bounce houses so little time
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
