Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize