I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
