He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
