Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
