Please, let me fuck your mom
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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