Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
