Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize