I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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