Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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