My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
