I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
